As a relationship counselor, I am continuously being asked why a lot of relationships fail. In the 37 years that I've worked with couples, I've discovered five major relationship killers:
A lot of people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates different forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two key classes - overt control and covert control.
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Overt control consists of many forms of attack, like blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.
Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, detailing, lying and denying. Often an individual at the other end of attack will respond with some type of covert control in an attempt to have manage over not being attacked.
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Controlling behavior usually results in animosity and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.
A lot of people enter a relationship with a deep fear of becoming engulfed and controlled - of losing themselves. The moment they experience their companion wanting control over them, they react with resistance - withdrawal, unconsciousness, feeling numb, forgetfulness, and procrastination.
When one person is controlling and the other is resistant - which is really an attempt to have control over not becoming controlled - the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system really feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.
A few years ago I remember the looks my friend Jennifer would get when she mentioned she'd been trying an online dating site. Admittedly, at the time, I thought she must be desperate; couldn't she meet anyone in 'reality'? Didn't she meet people at work, or at parties?
Many individuals enter a relationship believing that it's their partner's job to fill their emptiness, eliminate their emptiness, and make them really feel good about themselves. When people haven't learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their very own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and other people to fill them with the love they require.
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Many people who really feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the discomfort of their loneliness.
Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending beyond your limits, busyness, online sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so forth, can all be used as methods to fill emptiness and steer clear of fears of failure, inadequacy, being rejected and engulfment. And they're all ways of shutting out your partner.
All relationship killers come from fear - of inadequacy, of failure, of being rejected and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you'll be behaving in one or more of the above ways.
One of the most informative things you can ever do is to talk to your ex-girlfriend's best friends to discover exactly what she was like in the earliest days of your romantic relationship. Almost always her friends will explain that almost all she could imagine was exactly how to make you hers.
The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows the best way to take full responsibility for your own feelings and requirements. You are going to move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only after you learn how to fill yourself with love and define your personal inner worth.
When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you'll be able to start to do the inner healing work required to heal yourself and your relationship.
A fantastic place to start is to download our totally free Inner Bonding course and begin to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. The daily practice of these actions will move you out of your addictive and controlling behavior and on to personal responsibility required to heal your relationship.
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