The Fear Of A Completely New Romantic Relationship - How Not To Drop Into The Same Snare Yet Again

Katie had not been in a romantic relationship in ten years, and she was very afraid. In her last relationship, she had lost herself entirely and then felt ravaged when her boyfriend of three years left her for another woman.

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After working on herself emotionally and spiritually for a great many years, Katie, now 48, felt she was geared up for a new romance. So she joined an online dating service and quickly met Sean, who seemed too good to be true. Very warm, compassionate, intelligent, and also on a personal and spiritual growth path, Sean, 55, was an on the market man! Now Katie's worries that she would not meet someone turned to fears of being in a relationship again.

Katie had learned how to take loving care of herself when she was by herself or with friends, but doing this with a guy was another matter. She had never really taken care of herself in any of her romantic relationships, and she was very nervous that she would let herself down again.

A split up doesn't has to be permanent. It's possible to feel hopeless during and after a difficult split, even so it doesn't need to be that way. Realizing that "this, as well, could pass" will help you keep yourself on an excellent keel as you work to restore your old relationship.

Katie wanted some guidelines regarding loving actions she could take for herself as she began to explore the relationship with Sean, and she wrote to me asking me for these loving actions. So here they are - some loving actions to take when first exploring a new relationship:

1. Stay centered inside your own body, noticing your own sentiments rather than just being tuned into the other person's emotions. Stay conscious of NOT taking the responsibility for the others person's feelings of worth or security and safety, and NOT making the other person responsible for your feelings of worth or security.

2. Make a solid choice before getting together with the other person that you are willing to lose the other person rather than lose yourself. Make a conscious decision to NOT make the other person's wants, needs and feelings more central than your own.

3. Stay lucid on your own truth, NOT permitting the other person talk you in or out of what feels appropriate and right for you.

4. Be willing to take total, 100% responsibility for behaving in a way that makes you feel worthy, safe and strong. Be willing to be who you truly are rather than trying to impress. Make a conscious decision that being in integrity with who you really are, is more important than getting the other person's validation.

Nothing can damage a romantic relationship or marriage faster than jealousy. Jealousy creates anxiety, anger, loneliness, hate, and concerns. No one thinks clearly when jealous.

5. Do NOT disregard the sizeable or small things that you find problematic, intolerable or unacceptable. If a little something is unacceptable or intolerable to you early in the romantic relationship, the chances are that it is not going to get better. Do NOT convince yourself that, simply because there are so many good things about this person, you can overlook the problems or get the other person to change. This NEVER works!

Fears of rejection can emerge very early in a relationship. Some people are petrified of doing something wrong and being rejected, due to the fact that they make they other person responsible for their feelings of value and likability. The fear of rejection can lead an individual to give him/herself up to the other person, thereby touching off worries of engulfment - of loving oneself and being controlled or consumed by the other person. Hence, fears of loss - loss of self or loss of other - frequently surface quickly and people find themselves either giving in or pulling away in their efforts to protect themselves from their fears.

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If you make it easy for fear to guide you, you will likely either move away or end up in an unsatisfying relationship. The most essential thing to remember as you move into discovering a new relationship is: LET LOVE BE YOUR GUIDE, NOT FEAR. This approach means that you need to be open to learning about what is most loving to YOU - what is truly in your highest good - rather than trying to have control over not being rejected or controlled by the other person. So, number six is:

6. Keep asking your inner wisdom, "What is the loving action in the direction of myself right now? What is in my highest good right this moment?"

If you keep asking this crucial question, you will find your way through exploring a new romantic relationship without losing yourself and without getting harmed by the other person.

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